Beavis The Butthead

Scroll to the end for some football talk and a random Blake Lively rant.

Lock The Gaetz

Former Florida congressman, Matt Gaetz—a man who constantly looks like his most recent Google search is “how to pass a drug test in 24 hours”—was picked by Donald Trump to serve as his new Attorney General. Matt Gaetz was inches away from leading the United States Department of Justice.

Dream job for a guy who isn’t qualified for any job.

Those dreams were almost immediately dashed by the House Ethics Committee that investigated Gaetz and discovered he paid tens of thousands of dollars to women for sex or drugs on at least 20 occasions, including paying a 17-year-old girl for sex in 2017.

Real quick, it’s the holidays so I don’t want to get on my soapbox right now—BUT—at some point, we should probably talk about the exorbitant amount of money politicians make. Perhaps Elected Official shouldn’t be a get-rich-quick scheme for people who were 5150’d at their family’s Thanksgiving dinner. This Florida congressman should not have tens of thousands of dollars to light on fire. But we’ll put a pin in that.

Like, remember when brides were bad? Whatever. Another time.

Anyway, here’s a cute little quote from the report:

“Victim A recalled receiving $400 in cash from Representative Gaetz that evening, which she understood to be payment for sex. At the time, she had just completed her junior year of high school.”

$400 for an 11th grader. Inflation, amirite??

At no point in a man’s life is it cool or normal or regular to pay a 17-year-old girl for sex.

If a 10-year-old boy paid a 17-year-old girl for sex, there’d be a knock on his door the next morning and he’d be taken away from his parents.

If a 17-year-old boy paid a 17-year-old girl for sex, he would be laughed out of homeroom. You had to pay the girl who sits next to you in Trig to have sex with you? Real, actual money? You’re a loser. Everyone’s making fun of you.

Matt Gaetz was 35 when he met this girl.

On multiple occasions, he gave money to a little baby girl for sex and he thought he could be the Attorney General.

If you do cocaine once, and the president nominates you to lead the DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, you’d probably be nervous that you’d be disqualified and shamed and your career would end.

Matt Gaetz was sneaking children into his hotel rooms with ketamine falling out of his pockets and was like “Yes, Mr. Trump. I am the perfect candidate for this job”.

This story is truly inspiring. We should all enter the new year with the same absurd overinflated confidence as that crackhead pedophile.

His ex-girlfriend testified in front of a grand jury saying Gaetz went on a trip to the Bahamas with an underage escort. This man is an international pedophile just window shopping HomeGoods for trinkets to put on his new desk at the White House with blood running down his nose.

Let’s all try to capture this level of irrational confidence in ourselves. Apply for that job. Start that business. Text them back. Ask them out. Quit. Move. Take whatever risk you want.

If Matt Gaetz can pay children to sleep with him and still believe he’s in line for a cabinet position, you can go back to college and get that degree. Bring that insane Gaetz self-belief with you into 2025.

Just, ya know, don’t do the pedophile stuff. Feels like that goes without saying.

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The 6531: NFL Week 16

Welcome to The 6531 (Sixty-Five Thirty-One) where we talk about 6 things we love, 5 things we hate, 3 questions we have and 1 thing we'd change. Let’s talk NFL Week 16.