It's Not Clocking To You That I'm Standing on Business
From Ted Cruz getting dunked on to a Minnesota assassination, let's stand on business
I like Justin Bieber. He survived:
Diddy
Scooter Braun
Selina Gomez.
Canada
He’s a warrior.
He sang and danced his little butt off while Scooter Braun tried to take all his money and Diddy tried to take his little butt off.
So I give him a little grace if every few months he washes back on shore looking like Shaggy waking up under a bridge with a heroin needle in his arm.
We’re all trying to make the most of the one life we get to live.
I fully understand why Justin Bieber freaked out at paparazzi over the weekend when they showed up at his car to flash photos.
“It’s not clocking to you that I’m standing on business”.
That’s the theme of the week.
Too many people out here not clocking who’s standing on business.
Like Texas senator Ted Cruz—who thought he was sitting down for a cushy interview with the former face of Fox News, Tucker Carlson—but ended up reminding everyone that most of our elected officials are incurious cowards whose sole motivation is to maintain their status above all else.
Vote<3
Tucker Carlson Stands on Business
At Fox News, Tucker Carlson was the highest-rated host across all cable news platforms. He’d sit there looking like a smug, swollen, alcoholic local community college adjunct professor—telling millions of people that the sky was green and Spanish people are demons.
Decent gig.
He’s a big reason why our current president is a man who only seems to know, like, at most, 19 words.
In 2023, Fox News fired Tucker following a lawsuit settlement with Dominion Voting Systems after the network and Tucker, their golden, round-headed child, falsely claimed the 2020 presidential election was stolen.
Fox News lost almost a billion dollars. Turns out, you cannot go on your “news” program and make things up.
Tucker Carlson now has a talk show on YouTube, apparently, and this week, he brought in Ted Cruz to pull his pants down in front of his crush and take his lunch money.
Growing up, I would read encyclopedias and memorize populations and flags and all that nerdy stuff.
What a waste of time.
Today, you don’t need to know much about anything in order to have the power to topple another nation.
All you need is a suit, a script, and a forever kinetic, vague, amorphous set of principles—easily capable of changing on a moment’s notice depending on who is providing the suit and script on any given day.
As Trump pump fakes another war in the Middle East, Ted Cruz accidentally gives the game away—revealing America and Israael are working in concert to bomb Iran under the guise of protecting Americans from make-believe nuclear weapons.
Dick Cheaney is in the corner of the Oval Office, like a Force Ghost, telling Trump to kill everyone.
You know what? Let’s let Ted Cruz tell us why this war in Iran is so important:
In 50 seconds, Ted Cruz calls Iran an imminent, deadly threat to America before immediately claiming Iran is weak and not that big of a deal. All while Tucker Carlson imagines the new downstairs floors he’s about to pay for with all of these incoming YouTube views as people gather to see Ted Cruz lick boots.
I watched the whole interview (you shouldn’t. Tucker doesn’t deserve more views), and Tucker stood on business while Ted simply could not clock it.
Sometimes, you stand on business too hard
Over the weekend, 57-year-old Vance Boelter shot two Minnesota lawmakers—killing Congresswoman Melissa Hortman and her husband.
Boelter had a hit list of 45 elected officials. All of them Democrats. He’s a registered Republican. He got a degree from Christ for the Nations Institute—a school that indoctrinates young, vulnerable Christians into joining the “army to battle Satanic forces and establish God’s kingdom on Earth.”
Boelter recently went to Africa preaching their good word, uh, against abortion and homosexuality and all dumb, weird shit that ill-intentioned Christians hyper focus on instead of the love thy neighbor stuff that fills, like, 99% of that book they haven’t read since they were children.
Essentially, Vance was the textbook archetype of a lunatic who would dress like a police officer to shoot Democratic lawmakers he believed were Satan because his brain was broken from consuming the worst internet content for hours.
Vance Boelter was standing on business.
(Disclaimer: I think it’s bad to kill people and Boelter was failed by an exploitative right-wing ecosystem designed to scare consumers into believing the world is ending because Hillary Clinton made their sons gay or whatever)
But no denying, from Vance’s perspective, he was standing on business.
Unfortunately, it’s just not clocking to any of the people he stood on business for.
Those whom he believed would be singing his praises instantly rushed to disassociate from any possible shared ideologies with Boelter—claiming that he worked for Tim Waltz and using him as an example of the evil Boelter, himself, was taught to hate.
See, 6 years ago, Boelter was appointed to the Minnesota Governor's Workforce Development Board.
And although Tim Waltz appointed him to this board, there are over 60 people on this Minnesota board—of all different political spectrums and almost none of them have any actual relationship with the state’s governor.
They’re essentially all local volunteers.
I wouldn’t be shocked if Boelter and Tim Waltz never even met. Although, if Andrew Cuomo were the governor and Boelter was a young blonde, well, whatever, he’s Italian, we get it.
Vance Boelter thought he’d be a hero and instead, his would-be champions are all calling him a big gay lib.
He spent years and years and years drinking the right-win evangelical kool-aid, did everything they asked of him—even went as far as hitting the streets and getting the mission accomplished himself—and everyone he looked up to, everyone he tried to impress, just thinks he’s a crazy, Marxist, trans, homoboy.
They didn’t even read his lame little manifesto.
No one understands how Justin Bieber feels more than Vance Boelter.
I need everyone reading this to keep your head on a swivel. Be aware. Recognize when someone’s standing on business. Clock it.
(RIP to those people. I can’t stress enough that you shouldn’t kill people.)
Thanks for reading. All typos are me standing on business, and it’s not clocking to you.