Love is Blind has quickly become one of my favorite dating reality shows.
30-40 clout-starved, sociopaths cram into a sweaty Netflix warehouse—fashioned with some of the finest local Ethan Allen clearance furniture—all in hopes of locking down a tag team partner to ensure they get to be on more episodes once they match with a partner, leave the warehouse and return to their cities—oh, and maybe they’ll fall in love too or whatever.
Love Is Blind Season 6 has some of my all-time favorite characters.
There’s Matthew
A 37-year-old financial advisor who claimed to be a witty, bitty nerd with no clue how to speak to women—or human life in general. In the first couple days in the ‘pods’, he busts out a list of 20 questions, asks the girls to say a number 1-20 so he could ask the corresponding question and then gets pissed at their boring answers to his boring questions.
Until he meets AD—who brings Clark Kent out of his shell and suddenly, the man who could not emote becomes mister feelings and just wishes AD’s father was still alive so he could ask him for his daughter’s hand in marriage. He goes as far as suggesting he and AD should run off in the middle of the night and leave the show together. Matthew, a guy who comes off like he’s recently pondered if women should be allowed to vote, is now Prince Charming sweeping AD off her feet.
Until AD goes back to the girls’ hangout side of the warehouse and immediately sits through another girl, Amber, describing Matthew telling her the exact same lines about wanting to run away together.
And it’s worth noting the big similarity between AD and Amber is they both lost their fathers and Matthew told both of them he wishes he could ask their dads to marry them. Turns out the geek with no personality is actually a scammer attempting to scheme and maneuver his way into what the cameras would perceive as some whirlwind romance.
Matthew always looked like he was nervous the woman he had chained up to the radiator in his basement was going to figure out a way to escape while he was away filming so it doesn’t surprise me he was a neanderthal desperate to appear like the hero of the show when in reality, he came off like a serial killer who murders a girl, shaves her head, turns her hair into a wig and then wears that wig when he murders the next girl.
There’s Clay
Clay is one of my favorites this season because he had a moment many of us have experienced in the past where you realize not only are you someone’s second option but you’re second behind someone who you have no business being second place to.
While hitting it off with AD, Clay receives the unfortunate news that not only is AD connecting with Matthew of all people, but she’s devasted to find out Matthew is playing her.
I imagine it’s difficult to console a woman who is openly telling you she’s heartbroken about another man and I imagine it’s a nightmare when you find out the other man is Matthew—a guy who seems like he’s only slept with women after purchasing them $200 worth of pickleback shots at 1am and pretending to be a good guy offering to get them home safely.
And I for sure do not want to make it seem like Clay is a good guy either. At one point, he pressed AD to describe her appearance because he claimed he couldn’t fall in love without being physically attracted first, which, ya know, is the literal antithesis of the entire TV program.
When you say and do strange things to make yourself the second option, don’t be shocked when you are treated as such.
There’s AD
Amber Desiree AKA AD, quickly became the main character for finding the humanity in Matthew even though we later found out he was pretending to be socially retarded when in reality, he is the type of guy who DMs a girl begging for a crumb of sex and then calls her a ‘fat bitch’ when she doesn’t acquiesce.
AD was emotionally manipulated by a man who will for sure need to hire a defense attorney in his future domestic violence case and settled for Clay—who was clearly on this show to get Instagram followers and hump a hot girl.
But it was at the beach after all the couples finally met each other and all went on vacation together where AD’s Love Is Blind experience got strange as hell.
I’m going to assume alcohol consumption was a factor but at one point, Jimmy turns to his partner, Chelsea, and tells her “AD is STACKED”. It’s odd to tell your girlfriend that another girl has a great body but it’s even odder when you just met your girlfriend face-to-face like, 24 hours earlier and your eyes are already wandering at other women.
But to play it off, Chelsea jokes about AD being stacked too which causes the whole group to all laugh like hyenas as AD awkwardly adjusts her dress and pretends to play along with 9 strangers ogling her and foaming at the mouth.
Later in the night, Jeramey explains to AD about his partner, Laura, telling him a joke amongst the girls about smacking each other’s breasts and even going as far as telling Jermany he should slap AD’s too when he meets her.
AD came on Love Is Blind for attention and she is absolutely getting it. Just, uh, probably not in the way she wanted.
There’s Jimmy
This is by far the funniest character of the season. Jimmy looks like he wasn’t born, but instead budded from a pile of rotting potatoes in the local landfill OR he is an inspiration showing folks it’s possible to overcome fetal alcohol syndrome.
Jimmy looks like he cuts his own hair with a dull butter knife. He looks like his favorite food is Pokemon cards.
Somehow he finds himself in a love triangle with Jessica and Chelsea. One, he thinks looks like a hot celebrity and the other, a single mother. You’ll never believe which one he picks.
Jimmy had most of my favorite moments but none better than the day Jessica finally mustered the emotional strength to reveal to Jimmy she is the single mother of a 10-year-old girl only for Jimmy to be dead silent for what felt like 9,000,000 years before eventually stumbling and stuttering his way to saying nothing of substance, causing Jessica to run out crying.
And immediately following this, Chelsea tells Jimmy she is divorced. Most of us would learn from our previous mishandling of receiving this type of information and would go out of our way to be understanding and accommodating.
Not Jimmy, who freaked out and basically asked Chelsea for a moment to process all the bad news he was receiving as if he was the victim in all of these stories.
There’s Jessica
I don’t have much to say about Jessica outside of her final moments with Jimmy where she gave a Hall of Fame verbal beatdown peaking with a warning. Jimmy, you are going to feel dumb when you see me and you see Chelsea. *whispers* she’s not wrong.
Just a reminder: if ay any point you feel bad for these people just know they are getting exactly what they want. Love isn’t the point of this. It’s Instagram likes. I’m sure Jessica and her daughter are fine.
There’s Chelsea
I like Chelsea. She looks like she knows all the good restaurants in town. And I don’t mean the cool, hot spots. I mean the ones in those hole-in-the-wall places in the strip mall next to the check cashing place and a nail salon with signs taped to their windows they haven’t updated since 98. The food spots where the serving sizes are impossible to eat in one sitting and you have to bring leftovers back but it’s so much food you wonder how this restaurant even stays open giving away so much inventory.
Anyway, he’s a clip of this maniac telling Jimmy she looks like Megan Fox
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I can’t not think about this. I watched this episode a WEEK AGO and this moment hasn’t left my head once.
SHE initiates this celebrity look-a-like conversation out of the blue, asking him if anyone ever tells him he looks like a celebrity.
Jimmy says yea.
Chelsea doesn’t even care to ask who that celebrity is because she only asks so she can say her answer.
She then immediately hedges and qualifies the comparison, before she even makes the comparison, by saying “Oh it’s because of my dark hair and blue eyes”. Homegirl is fully aware she’s about to say some nonsense.
Jimmy then growls from excitement and jots in his notebook what I can only assume was a stick figure with boobs.
But it’s Chelsea’s next line—the Steph Curry heat check from the logo—that turns this moment into Art.
“I don’t know if it’s MGK’s wife or girlfriend”
*Chef’s kiss*
Chelsea not only said she looked like Megan Fox but she pretended to not even remember what her name was. She called Megan Fox the girlfriend of her significantly less famous boyfriend and made Jimmy guess who she was talking about.
Shout out to Chelsea. Sure, she looks like she goes ‘ahhhhh’ after taking a sip of soda but I hope she finds the Machine Gun Kelly to her Megan Fox.
Thanks for reading. All typos are Rorschach tests.