Wait, Is The Rock a Loser?
No one cared about The Rock's new Christmas movie. Is it over for Dwayne??
Last year, at 52 years old, The Rock returned to professional wresting.
He was the same age Hollywood Hulk Hogan was when the two faced off at Wrestlemania 18 in 2002—and at the time, it felt like Hulk Hogan was old enough to fall in the shower and never get up again. You know what I mean? Like the level of old where you see they passed away and you don’t bother to ask “From what?”
That’s how old the Rock is right now. And he’s wrestling again.
Kinda makes you wonder how his movie career is going…
The Rock was cast to play Black Adam in a DC movie allllll the way back in 2007. He would be the main antagonist of Shazam, even though Black Adam isn’t very well-known or particularly compelling of a character (and neither is Shazam)
They have ancient wizard powers or something(?) Who cares?
The Rock’s production company, Seven Bucks Productions, got deeper pockets and after years of development and the Rock slowly bending DC studios to his whim—he finally got to play Black Adam—except he was completely removed from Shazam and given his own movie.
I want to say again that Black Adam isn’t top comic book character. I cannot stress that enough. Who cares?
The Rock cares about Black Adam.
A lot.
Arguably too much.
Which explains why he refused to appear in either of the two Shazam movies, despite Black Adam being his arch-nemesis.
Not only did he stiff-arm Shazam, he managed to get Henry Cavill to make a Superman cameo in Black Adam in a clear attempt to make his character and passion project more important than it actually was.
Black Adam came out andddddddd the entire DC universe was thrown in the trash and dismantled immediately after.
James Gunn was hired to start from scratch, so The Rock—who spent over a decade politicking to be the face of DC—was fired.
Black Adam sucked, by the way.
Typically, I root for all employees to gain labor power. My logo is a literal hammer and sickle.
The Rock producing his own movies is cool, in theory.
But where most actors use their own production companies to fund artistic projects that otherwise would fall between the cracks of big studios looking to churn major profits and break box office records—The Rock uses his production company to copy and paste the same Rock movies over and over again.
From Baywatch to Jumanji to Rampage to Jungle Cruise to Black Adam—The Rock always plays the same guy: a stern, by-the-book, militant, bootlicking officer of the law.
He always plays characters that security guards would perceive as cool. And I have no problem with his army cosplaying. Do whatever you want, brother.
But it’s starting to feel like audiences are over it.
His new Christmas action comedy, Red One, cost $250 million.
As of right now, it’s made around $30 million.
That suuuuuuuuucks.
It appears as though, after years of perfectly curating his image and producing movies that reinforce what we already think about The Rock—refusing to take a single risk and try something new or interesting has made his name lose it’s luster.
It’s made him a loser.
Red One is a movie that’s supposed to explode for a huge opening weekend because it’s starring The Rock and Captain America, Chris Evans.
Lucy Lui stars in it too to draw the washed dorks like myself who grew up wanting to get beat up by O-Ren Ishii.
All of the elements were in place for a lucrative film except they made one huge miscalculation: I don’t think people want to see The Rock continue to be his character from the Fast and Furious movies.
It also doesn’t help that The Rock seems like a nightmare to work with and his own selfish actions caused the budget to inflate to $250 million.
It costs 150% more to make Red One than Oppenheimer—a movie in which Christopher Nolan literally drops an atomic bomb.
According to some inside reports The Rock, and his ex-wife’s brother/business partner, were deadset on making this production as clumsy and expensive as possible.
Apparently The Rock would frequently show up late as hell, like, daily Dwayne would no-call, no-show the set as he was too busy with his 3-hour workouts.
The Rock isn’t the first egomaniac with body dysmorphia and a desperate fear of failure.
RIP Marlon Brando.
But The Rock was 8 hours late every day, causing the budget to blow up another $50 million.
Oh, he’d also leave bottles of pee laying around to “save time”. The crew didn’t love that, believe it or not.
The way things are looking, the days of The Rock being a box office draw could be behind us. We as a society have evolved past the need for The Rock.
But Dwayne Johnson has one final opportunity to change the way folks perceive him.
Next year, he stars in a sports biopic titled, The Smashing Machine, set to be released bt A24. This could be his Oscar moment, a revolutionary role that alters one’s legacy.
Personally, I think it’s going to be the funniest movie of the year, unintentionally.
Outside of his charm, which has the check engine light on, The Rock has never shown an ability to get in his acting bag and pull out a career-defining performance.
If you live in Des Moise, get ready to see The Rock clotheslining Cody Rhodes at the Wells Fargo Arena as bottles of pee spill out of his locker.
If anyone wants to read my specific review for Red One, y’all can check that out over here: Red One Is Exactly The Movie You Think It Is
Girls Drool, Boys Rule
I’m still deciding if I’m going to pretend to be a Trump supporter. We have the punch the numbers in over here.
I will gladly add “woke mind virus” to my vocabulary, unironically, for a paid vacation to Santorini. I am 1000% for sale.
Unfortunately, I’ve become obsessed with this new pussy posse forming. This weekend was a big klan rally UFC fight, where Dana White hosted Donald Trump for a boys night in Vegas.
The boys are back in town, bayyyyyyy-beeeeee.
I cannot stop staring at this photo of 4 people you guys decided would be the most powerful humans on the planet—using their expensive, pre-rolled silverware to eat chicken mcnuggets.
Two of the men in this photo look like they’re one Big Mac away from doctors giving them terrible news.
RFK Jr is set to become the Department of Health and Human Services Secretary. He will be in charge of our food and health. He looks like Ernest Hemingway’s liver.
Robert Kennedy Jr looks like the inside of his uncle’s car that day.
This Deadpool-faced schizophrenic plans on gutting the FDA and setting our food regulations back to Oregon Trail standards.
Making America great again means going back to the days when you’d lose your entire family one winter from dysentery.
From everything I read, Elon Musk has become a joey attached to Trump at the waist like a Kangaroo pouch. He’s essentially moved into Mar-a-lago with Trump and Donald can’t seem to go anywhere without Elon holding onto his belt like 2nd graders walking the hallways from gym class.
Very funny to see Donald’s actual son there watching his father and the Apartheid prince having a catch on the front lawn but whenever junior asks if he can play too, they’re suddenly soo tired.
This is the goal, man. I gotta get like these very cool, very nomal fellas.
Alienate all the women in my life and exclusively hang out with my adult son and 2 men who are using me to advance their own careers.
If I’m not leaving Vegas with a McDonald’s fish fillet on my lap, sitting next to men that would eat my flesh before the plane even goes down then I wasted my life away.
These are objectively some of the strangest creatures in our galaxy.
They run this country now.
Nothing matters for the next 4 years. Don’t pay that parking ticket. Show up to work whenever you want. We’ve only got like, 6 months left before the sociopaths in that photo accidentally poison our water supplies.
Thanks for reading. All typos are symptoms of the woke mind virus.