You Are NOT Jenny From The Block
Jennifer Lopez just bleed out her deepest feelings and it's the funniest thing ever.
At one point in the 2000s, Jennifer Lopez was the most famous woman on Earth. From In Living Color Fly Girl to starring in Oscar-snubbed classics like Out of Sight and Anaconda to becoming a platinum recording artist—despite having the vocal range of a kazoo—Jennifer Lopez has willed herself into being a rich, famous celebrity through sheer force of will and her undying desire to be covered head-to-toe in Gucci.
So naturally, I had to watch J-Lo’s new “This Is Me…Now” album/movie/musical/music video/opera/ on Amazon Prime—where J-Lo spent $20 million out of her own pocket to write an accompanying movie to go with her new album I know for a fact no one reading this has listened to.
This Is Me…Now: A Love Story—starring and written by Jennifer Lopez—is the story of J-Lo finding happiness after 3 failed marriages and a ton of bad relationships in between.
Jennifer Lopez was in the first celebrity relationship I recall ever caring about when she was dating Puff Daddy. But let’s put a pin in that. We’ll get back to it in a sec.
The film starts with J-Lo on the back of a motorcycle behind a man whose face isn’t shown but is very obviously Ben Affleck—before they crash. We then move to some steam punk-type factory—a factory that, uh, acts as arteries or something(?)—where J-Lo and a room full of engineers/backup dancers have to gyrate her heart back together as her song ‘Hearts and Flowers’ plays.
The entire production is bizarre.
At one point, a group of celebrities portraying astrological signs are watching Lopez’s many relationship battles. From Jane Fonda to Post Malone to Keke Palmer to Sofia Vergara to Trevor Noah—it is fascinating how she chooses to tell the story of her love life in the most sincere, cringeworthy way.
Also, OF COURSE, Jennifer Lopez is the type of woman who cares about astrological signs. Not that there’s anything wrong with believing in that. I believe the Knicks will win the championship every year even though they haven’t since 1973. I get it.
But of course, J-Lo cares about astrology.
Her belief in random stars determining the outcomes of her relationships is the main theme of the whole film. Every step of the way, it’s simply bad luck, an abusive man, or bad timing. There’s a scene where J-Lo comes home intoxicated with a young suitor who drops a gun on the floor (which I can only imagine is a reference to Puff and his alleged night club shooting in 99) only for her friends to sit her down and give her an intervention because she’s a ‘relationship addict’.
And what could’ve been Jennifer Lopez’s chance to truly tell her story and explain why she constantly needs a boy around her, turns into her being like “WHATS SO WRONG WITH BELIEVING IN LOVE AND BEING A HOPELESS ROMANTIC”
Not a crumb of self-awareness or self-exploration anywhere in this movie/album/play/thing. She never mentions anything she wishes she did differently or how any of her behaviors or actions could’ve led to any of her relationship struggles. Nope. She talks to her younger self and says she has to forgive herself for loving others so much more than she loves herself.
And I know it sounds like I’m hating on this movie but everything I’m describing is what makes it an incredible watch. It’s one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen and there aren’t any jokes.
A woman in her mid-50s popping and locking about how all these boys took advantage of how loving and caring and perfect she is over some of the most clunky, wordy, overly-syllabic pop records.
This is the most important thing Jennifer Lopez ever created. She called in all her favors. Spent millions from her own account. She finally told the story of her tumultuous love life.
And it’s the most awkward, hilarious, silly, confusing, strange, desperate attempt for the most famous woman of 2004 to reclaim our attention 20 years later in an era where it is almost impossible to maintain a grip on the zeitgeist for longer than 12 hours. A friend would’ve told J-Lo this was a terrible idea. And I am SO thankful none of her friends stopped her from making an all-time classic whatever-this-is.
I also want to apologize to anyone who will be in a room with me for the foreseeable future because I will exclusively be talking about Fat Joe playing J-Lo’s therapist wearing the finest of sweaters
Everyone stop what you’re doing and watch this on Amazon Prime. Nothing is more important than this.
What other celebrities are being weird and desperate right now?
Justin Timberlake
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